I've been asked to share my story of my experiences as a mother, as it
relates to the school system and home schooling, and some harassment my son
and I suffered as a result of bucking the system.
I am a largely self-educated woman. I have had many obstacles in my life to
surmount. I spent some time homeless when I was a teenager, dropping out of
school three times. I couldn't wait to be old enough to leave Nova Scotia and
go to work, which I eventually did.
When I was twenty-six, I gave birth to my son. About four months later, his
father and I separated. He had problems and he was never much help.
When my son Colin was almost six, he went to a sort of consolidated country
school in Nova Scotia. He enjoyed it very much and he attended for two years.
It never would have occurred to me not to home school, however, if that
hadn't been the case.
So strong are my feelings on the subject, I was prepared and I still am
prepared to move if I am harassed further about home schooling. Nobody wins.
However, I won't risk the state taking control of my child. The state did not
give birth to him, the state didn't provide for him what they are supposed
to, ultimately. It was a complete and (almost) paralysing realization to me
that the state reserves the right to tell us how to raise our children, even
after they've neglected the schools, and allowed them to form an incompetent
monopoly with no accountability to parents.
In 1998 after we moved to city in Ontario, I enrolled Colin in the most likely looking
school in the area, that is, the one
with the least obscene graffiti. The day before school started, we were
having lunch in a restaurant near that public school and we happened to start
up a conversation with a woman who was recently retired from the catholic
school board, and still had some friends in the department. She cautioned me
under no circumstances should I send Colin to public school in our area,
since it was about 70% immigrants. I had no idea what she meant, not being from
the city myself. I didn't know about the refugees' social problems and I did
not know that some of them were racist. I decided to try the school anyway.
At the time I was attending college which was a major adjustment
for me after so long out of school and the work force, and it was all I could
do to make sure he got into the right class on the first day. There was no
tolerance at the college for time taken off for kids, even a child's first
morning in a new school, in a new town where a student has no access to
daycare or babysitters, is considered to be unimportant as compared to the
illustrious college and it's formidable baking lab, where students are used
to bake and sell goods for the already overflowing coffers of the school. I
was treated like an irresponsible child for being a responsible mother, and I
believe this attitude has become almost universal in our society. It's
becoming so strong in our culture; I believe that's why certain people are
now having more and more problems with harrassment from school boards and
school officials and teachers. It's part of a general societal attitude of
survival of the fittest, which would necessarily end up including: men vs.
Women, and adults vs. children. Who will win, do you think? This so-called
Darwinism is responsible for all attitudes of intolerance against the weak,
the sick, and the young.
Although Colin has always been outgoing and gung-ho (without any kind of
behaviour problems, particularly with his peers), in his second month in his
public school, he was so depressed by the racist attitude and shunning he got
from the immigrant children he met there (who were the vast majority at that
school) that I decided to take him out, when I noticed him crying on the way
to the school (which has since had the population of another school added to
it). Subsequently the little boy of a friend of mine had his face literally
broken by older immigrant children. When she confronted the school about it, she
found that they were placing equal blame on all children involved, although
the other kids were all older. Instead of taking him to the hospital, they
had kept him in at recess and lunch, in detention, for being involved in a
fight, event though he was six years old, and this I fear is standard policy
with breaks and hurts of all kinds. The parents aren't even necessarily
notified that anything has happened, at least until the end of their day.)
When I took him out of the non-catholic public school I had to fight and
wrangle a bit and really come up with a good humble speech about why he
should be allowed into a small catholic school near our neighbourhood, and
the principal was understanding and she agreed. The only problem was French
immersion. We agreed to study at home to try to catch up, which we did, as
far as we could with the information we had from the school... We studied
fundamental French at a junior level, hours and hours and hours of it.
Working parents never have that kind of time or energy; I could not have done
that if I'd been working. By grade three, Colin already had at least an hour
of homework a night, often two, aside from our studies.
The first year wasn't too bad, except for a couple of beatings he received,
and an attempted hanging (punished by a series of detentions for the boy
responsible, nothing more). The year after that, his teachers were seemingly
more or less unconcerned about him. His really helpful and understanding
teacher in grade 2 had kept the peace for the most part, by promoting
openness, and Colin ended up with a lot of friends, such as they were.
After the first two months, he was utterly miserable and his grades dropped
to half of what they had been. The French immersion was completely useless to
him because there was no attempt to achieve any kind of comprehension. It was
all repetition and what I consider memory-abuse, the pointless memorization
of incomprehensible words by defenceless children. In my case, I was
incapable of memorization by the age of fifteen, and I still cannot do it,
even though I have fairly high IQ and a demonstrated talent with words.
School destroyed my ability to concentrate properly, and not until I'd been
out of it for about ten years did it start to come back. This is how it
affects some people, but - survival of the fittest, right? So who cares if a
few losers fall by the wayside, hell with them. They must have been stupid to
begin with. That and mental illness are the other social crimes that are
unforgivable in our society.
In grade three, Colin experienced a serious concussion, after falling in the
playground, chasing some kid who was harassing him. He came home, screamed,
cried and threw up for about two hours; there was nothing I could do for him.
I had to arrange an emergency visit to the childrens hospital. I have my
complaints about that experience too, we might just as well have stayed at
home for all the help we received. After four hours (and more vomiting),
Colin fell asleep, and I had to keep checking him every 20 minutes to make
sure he wasn't unconscious.
Playing soccer a while later, he was hit in the arm by a ball kicked by an
older boy who was deliberately trying to get him out of the game. He was
inexperienced and there were no gym teachers, of course, to teach the kids
proper techniques in sport. He had to rely on the other boys to learn, and
they weren't much help. So he got kicked out of a lot of games, as all the
younger kids did. But in this case, his arm was broken, and he had to wear a
cast for a few weeks. They let him play goalie for a while after that,
because his cast was an advantage!
One very upstanding lady's son, who was twelve when Colin was eight, once
chased Colin (who was on foot) on his bike until I came to get him, and when
I saw what was happening, I chased the boy down on my bike. I couldn't get
him to admit who he was, and not one of the other boys in his clique would
give me his name. Colin later pointed him out to me in the gym, and I told
the vice-principal about it. She said she knew him, and she'd take care of
it. I also called the police about this because the kids were so much older.
When I followed up on this, I discovered from the principal that the matter
had been dropped. Why? Because the boy denied it.
I know from a neighbour, who's son has been going to that same school all his
life and he's in the same class as this boy, that the particular abuser in
this situation is the same boy who has appointed himself class clown, in the
sense that he metes out ridicule, and everyone tolerates him, in an
institution where any real dissention is not allowed. Because there is no
recourse for anyone who has no special social status in the community. He
made so many racist comments about her son's friend from another country, the boy paid
him to stop. This is the boy who can do no wrong, who gets away with
everything, and it's obvious to me that this is blatant, unabashed
favouritism towards rich white parents and children with established status
in the community. There's no other way I can take it, and so many other
parents agree with me. It's not even worth talking about because everyone
understands this is the way things are. when I question this I am regarded as
incredibly naive, but I can't seem to get over it, each time this sort of
thing happens. Maybe it was all that peace, love and equality stuff I heard
from TV and teenagers, growing up, and thought somehow effected me. Dreamer!
I still can't find fault with my son, I can't even begin to in this
situation, because I know him. He's not a bully, and he doesn't like being
harassed and being bored but his response to all of it, in my experience, is
to play harder. To try harder, just as the kids are told to do. Play hard,
work hard, don't rock the boat, and you'll be fine. It's the lie that keeps
us prisoner.
If being on a particular gang of boys' turf in the schoolyard implies
provocation, as the school officials and some teachers seem to think, then
yes, they were provoked. To gang up ten on one on a little boy who doesn't
have a mean bone in his body, I don't think that really tells you anything
about the victim. He does have anger, though, after that experience, and an
inferiority complex he had not imagined before we moved here. He was always
the kind of kid that would go up to other kids and try to be friends. He
always was eager to get out of bed in the morning and start his day. He loves
all activities. But school is such often that if you don't start at primary
and finish with the rest, which most kids don't these days really, you are
always on the outs. Alternatively, if someone's influential mother doesn't
like your mother's clothes... The same goes for home schoolers, because
everyone now is scared and we all choose our children's friends, by a process
of elimination, keeping away those who might not have the influence we like,
or who's status or lack thereof makes us uncomfortable. I wonder how the
future generations will manage to think for themselves, with or without
schools.
Not long after this, he was punished twice for fighting back in the
playground against bullies, once for biting to get out from under a pile of
older boys. Again, when a new boy encouraged some bullying in line and Colin
hit a boy who had kicked him from behind for no apparent reason. He cried
when he called me and told me about it from the office (principal nowhere to
be found by this time) because it made him miss out on the lunchtime activity
I'd paid for for him, so he could at least have one thing to look forward to
about school.
After I'd had Colin out for the limit of sick time allowed, the principal
started calling me at home and at my school to demand that I send Colin back
to school. She seemed to know nothing about the actual laws. It took a long
time, a lot of phone conversations, a letter and finally a conversation
between this principal a representative from  OFTP to get her off my back, nearly
a month altogether, and many tears.
A neighbour helped with babysitting, because I was going to school part time.
Immediately I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my back, because I no
longer had to have the dreaded conversation with Colin at the end of the day
- did you get in any fights? I was scared, and upset, but I had the support
of members of OFTP and the local home education group to get me through it. They were very tolerant and
patient with me and I will never forget what they have done for us. Their
activities, organized by members and advertised through an email tree, have
saved us, and Colin has enjoyed all of them very much.
Now I have my mother to help me. She moved here for that reason. However, she
won't stay forever and most likely, we will have to uproot and move again, in
a more or less aimless search for a better situation with more time for
Colin, and more understanding from others. There isn't much organization
amongst home schoolers who do not have middle-class or upper-class advantages
in this city, many of the activities and clubs are really only for
'Christians,' or at least people with cars. There has been an attitude of
suspicion towards us by a few home schoolers. I call those few 'the perfect
people'. May be childish but that's how I see them. I know I don't exactly
have much to offer and I'm not your average mother (harmless but weird), it's
just that I long for a time when I'll be consistently surprised by human
behaviour.
Colin almost invariably plays well with other kids, and, unlike most kids who
have been to school, he can play with kids younger than himself. He's
respectful . There is not really much I can do about the way people feel. It
is hard now to find friends amongst schooled kids, since their parents are
suspicious because we home school! Colin has lost almost every friend he had
because of it, and is treated differently by some of the children (who seem
to have been listening to talk, perhaps something to do with difference,
strangeness, etc) from their parents. So we are caught in the middle without
a poor-people's club for home schoolers, which is what we apparently need.
Things are improving, but I still can't be as honest with people about home
schooling as I'd like to be, as is my first impulse, because of the fear of
difference; I feel I can't really be myself with most home schoolers,
although that could be mostly my hang-up, my experience and inclination.
But I really have to say that without cooperation and understanding amongst
us, we are in no position to criticize anyone else. We won't be taken
seriously until we embrace everyone and encourage them all to think for
themselves and set their kids free, not just the people we like, at our
comfort level with us. Everyone's children deserve a chance, even if their
parents are not formally educated. I find this double-standard hard to
understand.